


Normal Girl

by violetnudewoman



Category: Dorohedoro
Genre: Angst and Feels, Canon Universe, Feelings, Other, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:08:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23773600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetnudewoman/pseuds/violetnudewoman
Summary: Oh, how I wish I wanted to be just an ordinary girl. I wanted to be that kind of friend that Kaiman and the guys would be proud of. I wanted to be the ideal girl for boys like Thirteen. I wanted to be a real sister for Asu.I wanted to be her best friend forever.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	Normal Girl

**Author's Note:**

> This short fic takes place during the last animated arc in the anime.
> 
> And for the manga readers: you certainly remember Nikaido's diary, right? So.

**Normal Girl**

_violetnudewoman_

_-_

Another day goes by, stuck in this room and in my thoughts.

The days here seem as uncomfortable as Hole's rain. My body ends up giving in to this agony, and all I have to do is lie on the bed, squeeze my flesh and wait for the pain to pass. Sometimes, I think I should never have been born. Or, that I should have been born in another world, another place, _another time_. Where I could, in fact, always be close and protect my friends and the people I love. Who knows, I might not feel really loved either.

The truth is, I wanted to be just a normal girl. With dreams, desires and free of any and all ties that prevent me from living. No debts with myself and others, without feeling alone, without any feeling of guilt stabbing my heart, without... Pain.

Lately it's what I have been feeling the most: a pain so hard and tearing caused by guilt. I wish I would like to feel something beyond that. I wanted to feel good things, good feelings. I never want to be able to feel guilt again. It's the worst thing.

Yesterday I found a romance book among the countless ones En has here (I think Chota certainly must have given it to him as a gift). I never thought I would read one - I think I ever had time for these things. The book tells the story of a young prince in love with a poor peasant who grew vegetables for his royal family. As far as I read, the prince suffered with the possibility of the peasant not match with his feelings - and the fact that his family didn't approve and respect his sexuality. But at the same time, he felt alive and hopeful every time he showed up at his castle bringing the day's groceries.

I was thinking about it, how good it must be to feel alive and hopeful when seeing someone you love and want to protect. How good it must be to fall in love, no matter how painful it may be - it seems to be a less bad pain than the guilt pain, that I feel every day. 

I never fell in love for real. All this mess that my life is never gave me room for it. I just had quick feelings - light things, but really nice to feel. I think the way Thirteen likes me, for example, very cute. He doesn't see me as a problematic magic user; he knows about my power, he knows the confusions I get into, and yet... He respects and likes me. I always end up laughing with his flirty way; I really appreciate the way he wants me around. I miss him.

I wish I wanted to be able to really repay what that guys do for me. I think gyozas and beers are still not enough to make up for everything that has been going on since the day Kaiman appeared in my life in that dark alley. In this diary I talk a lot about my pain, but I'm absolutely sure that his pain doesn't fit in words that I everyday write here. I had no idea that our friendship would cost such a high price. I ended up putting him in this situation and I honestly don't know how I'm going to get him out.

I constantly wonder how a cursed girl like me can be friends with someone as pure as him. He said he no longer cares that I'm the same race that makes his life a hell of questions without answers, but how long will it last?

Oh, how I wish I wanted to be just an ordinary girl. I wanted to be that kind of friend that Kaiman and the guys would be proud of. I wanted to be the ideal girl for boys like Thirteen. I wanted to be a real sister for Asu.

I wanted to be _her best friend forever._

And, again, the truth is, I never be. I'll never be the best friend, girlfriend or best sister.

At this moment, my vision blurs with heavy tears.

How long have I not cried?

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I'm sad, listening SZA's "ctrl" album and I wanted to write this.
> 
> [DM me on Twitter.](https://www.twitter.com/naoehanapaula)


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